Your first week home with your new adopted child is going be filled with fun adventures and learning more about one another. It will be a time of adjustment for the whole family as the child learns new rules, new expectations, and as you see what you need to teach her/him. Our adopted daughter is a very quick learner and even though she does not appear to be listening, she is soaking up everything we tell her. Because of this, we explain everything to her. We realized she not only needs to hear the rules, but understand the why behind the rules. Once we explain, she seems to accept it and understand the rules better.
With all our girl has been through, we were eager to get her new things; things she may have never had or experienced. Who wouldn't want to spoil their new adopted child? But, we learned on day one that she had too many expectations. She expected a new bike, new roller blades, new clothes, cell phone, and the list goes on and on. Because of all her requests, we realized we would slowly get her things she needs, noth things she wants. We do not want her to expect things. So, if there is something she really wants, she will have to save her allowance to purchase those items. This has been a hard lesson.
Here are some things we did this week that helped ease the transition:
Make her feel needed and part of the family. We have her doing chores and giving her responsibilities. When we were driving home with our new daughter, we asked her what chores she enjoys. She asked if she could take care of the animals completely. Given that our biological children have taken care of the animals their whole life, I knew this would not be a problem. So, most of her chores consists of feeding the animals, cleaning their enclosure or litter box, grooming, and taking our dog for walks. I included additional things like making her bed every morning and emptying the dishwasher. She looks at her chore chart every morning and begins crossing off what she completes. She is not allowed to watch tv or play games until she completes her morning chores. She seems to be very proud of her new responsibilities and that is the first thing she shared on the phone with her friends.
Teach your expectations and rules of the home right away, so they will know what to expect and know what is important to your family. I have two sheets: one that says Glorify God with Your Words and Actions and the other says Unacceptable Behavior. We went over each rule. Then, I explained what the consequences would be if she were to break those rules. But, most importantly, that we would never use restraints like she was used to getting in the home. Children do better when they know what to expect. When something has come up this last week, I remind her of the rule she is breaking.
Ask her what will help her during times of feeling angry and offer a few other suggestions as well. Read my previous post to see a couple examples.
Teach her to tell you how she feels, but at the same time being respectful to you and others as well.
Pre-teaching and practicing things over and over. Before I take her somewhere, we discuss how she should behave and ways to handle her emotions. You will learn so much the first week. Our daughter always leaves the back door open when she goes in and out. We had to practice opening and closing the door quickly. We have modeled and practiced manners at the dinner table, how and where to hang up wet towels, appropriate amounts of food and beverages. All things that our children already know, but things that she is not used to.
Have her decorate her room the first week to feel ownership and permanency. Before going to the store, I told her what I was willing to get and how much I would spend on each. Most foster children have not been given the opportunity to decorate their rooms. Our little girl is quick to ask for things, so we have to tell her in advance what we are willing to buy and spend. Any additional things will have to be purchased with her allowance or later as a gift. She loved this. When we got home, she instantly wanted to decorate her room. We bought her a frame and had her put a special picture in it from her old home.
We bought her a scrapbook so she can include people and events that were important to her and also so she could include her new life. This will be a fun project for us to do together in the weeks ahead.
We had a new family picture made the second day so we could replace the old one. We wanted her to feel that she is part of our family now and to show her we're not giving her back - ever. The picture was placed in the living room so she could see how important she is to us.
Try to touch and hug her often. We did nails, snuggled close during a movie and reading time, brushed her hair, rubbed lotion on her arms and legs, tickled, and had fun in the pool and ocean. Even though she is 12, being touched is very important. We all need regular, warm, and affectionate touch every day.
Make yourself available for talking often. I try to create opportunities where we are alone throughout the day or I put her in the front seat when we're driving somewhere, so we can talk. I ask her lots of questions, because she is not always quick to open up. Learn as much as you can about her.
Volunteer somewhere: We took her to help out at the Humane Society. This is very therapeutic for her. She loves animals and wants to help them. Animals love you no matter what and they will not disappoint you. Helping others can help children feel useful and important.
Get her own library card. This was huge for our girl. She loves to read and she loved getting her own card.
Praise as much as possible. No one likes to be disciplined all the time. Who doesn't like to hear positive things they have done. I try to make an effort to praise her for things she does well all throughout the day. She always smiles real big and seems proud of herself when I say something positive.
Let them call friends or write to share their excitement. We purchased cute little note cards and put them in a desk in her room. We also gave her an address book and stamps so she can write to her friends. But, mostly she has enjoyed calling up her friends to share her adventures and new pets.
Most important, show her love through it all. Even through the bad times. Shower your new child with love and let them know how happy you are that they are part of your family. Deep down, they desperately want to connect!
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