This is a very exciting and emotional part of your adoption journey. It's the moment your family has all been waiting for. Here are a few things to think about as you begin your adoption journey.
After you have been selected for a child or sibling group, your family is so excited to meet the child. You start to imagine the child in your family and in your home. You may even begin to set up their room.
- First piece of advice is to take the next steps slowly.
Before we met our child, I read the same thing. Take it slowly, but the next thing you know we were taking the child home for good after our first formal visit. We should have heeded advice and taken it more slowly.
- Read, re-read, discuss, ask questions, and pray about the information you receive
After being selected, you will receive all sorts of information about your child: Psych reports, family history, medical reports, etc. Please make sure you have received it all and the most current reports. Once you have it all, take your time to read it all, discuss with your spouse, and pray about it. Don't rush this process.
A large box was given to us an hour before meeting her. We read through it as quickly as possible and then decided it was too much to go through.
Also, if you question anything in the report, this is your opportunity to ask the worker questions. They want you to ask questions. They want you completely informed. Don't be afraid to ask too many questions or to ask to have more time.
- Set up as many visits as possible
Next, you will either be given the opportunity to speak with the child on the phone or most likely, set up a first meeting date. If you are meeting the child, set up a short afternoon visit in their foster home and get to know them and their foster family.
Do not let the worker talk you into taking the child home after the first visit. Our child's team felt it was in her best interest to limit visits. They felt she didn't need to go back to her home because it was a RTC and they felt she would have more issues. As we look back on this, we realize it moved way too quickly and we should have set up more visits. Your family and your child needs time to process the changes that are occurring.
Go home and have a family meeting and pray. If you feel the first meeting went well, tell the worker you want to proceed and set up another visit.
Ask the foster parents what the child might be interested in doing before you make plans. We knew our child was interested in the outdoors and adventure, so we took her kayaking and she loved it.
Once your family has started having long weekend visits in your home, you may have a good feeling about this child or you may not feel this is the child for your family. Do not be afraid to back out at this point. It's better to know now before the child moves in with you. Pray and ask God to show you if this is the child for your family. Trust God and enjoy your new child!
If you are currently in this process, I would love to hear how your adoption journey is going or for you to offer any additional advice to others in the process of adopting.
Your first week home with your new adopted child is going be filled with fun adventures and learning more about one another. It will be a time of adjustment for the whole family as the child learns new rules, new expectations, and as you see what you need to teach her/him. Our adopted daughter is a very quick learner and even though she does not appear to be listening, she is soaking up everything we tell her. Because of this, we explain everything to her. We realized she not only needs to hear the rules, but understand the why behind the rules. Once we explain, she seems to accept it and understand the rules better.
With all our girl has been through, we were eager to get her new things; things she may have never had or experienced. Who wouldn't want to spoil their new adopted child? But, we learned on day one that she had too many expectations. She expected a new bike, new roller blades, new clothes, cell phone, and the list goes on and on. Because of all her requests, we realized we would slowly get her things she needs, noth things she wants. We do not want her to expect things. So, if there is something she really wants, she will have to save her allowance to purchase those items. This has been a hard lesson.
Here are some things we did this week that helped ease the transition:
Make her feel needed and part of the family. We have her doing chores and giving her responsibilities. When we were driving home with our new daughter, we asked her what chores she enjoys. She asked if she could take care of the animals completely. Given that our biological children have taken care of the animals their whole life, I knew this would not be a problem. So, most of her chores consists of feeding the animals, cleaning their enclosure or litter box, grooming, and taking our dog for walks. I included additional things like making her bed every morning and emptying the dishwasher. She looks at her chore chart every morning and begins crossing off what she completes. She is not allowed to watch tv or play games until she completes her morning chores. She seems to be very proud of her new responsibilities and that is the first thing she shared on the phone with her friends.
Teach your expectations and rules of the home right away, so they will know what to expect and know what is important to your family. I have two sheets: one that says Glorify God with Your Words and Actions and the other says Unacceptable Behavior. We went over each rule. Then, I explained what the consequences would be if she were to break those rules. But, most importantly, that we would never use restraints like she was used to getting in the home. Children do better when they know what to expect. When something has come up this last week, I remind her of the rule she is breaking.
Ask her what will help her during times of feeling angry and offer a few other suggestions as well. Read my previous post to see a couple examples.
Teach her to tell you how she feels, but at the same time being respectful to you and others as well.
Pre-teaching and practicing things over and over. Before I take her somewhere, we discuss how she should behave and ways to handle her emotions. You will learn so much the first week. Our daughter always leaves the back door open when she goes in and out. We had to practice opening and closing the door quickly. We have modeled and practiced manners at the dinner table, how and where to hang up wet towels, appropriate amounts of food and beverages. All things that our children already know, but things that she is not used to.
Have her decorate her room the first week to feel ownership and permanency. Before going to the store, I told her what I was willing to get and how much I would spend on each. Most foster children have not been given the opportunity to decorate their rooms. Our little girl is quick to ask for things, so we have to tell her in advance what we are willing to buy and spend. Any additional things will have to be purchased with her allowance or later as a gift. She loved this. When we got home, she instantly wanted to decorate her room. We bought her a frame and had her put a special picture in it from her old home.
We bought her a scrapbook so she can include people and events that were important to her and also so she could include her new life. This will be a fun project for us to do together in the weeks ahead.
We had a new family picture made the second day so we could replace the old one. We wanted her to feel that she is part of our family now and to show her we're not giving her back - ever. The picture was placed in the living room so she could see how important she is to us.
Try to touch and hug her often. We did nails, snuggled close during a movie and reading time, brushed her hair, rubbed lotion on her arms and legs, tickled, and had fun in the pool and ocean. Even though she is 12, being touched is very important. We all need regular, warm, and affectionate touch every day.
Make yourself available for talking often. I try to create opportunities where we are alone throughout the day or I put her in the front seat when we're driving somewhere, so we can talk. I ask her lots of questions, because she is not always quick to open up. Learn as much as you can about her.
Volunteer somewhere: We took her to help out at the Humane Society. This is very therapeutic for her. She loves animals and wants to help them. Animals love you no matter what and they will not disappoint you. Helping others can help children feel useful and important.
Get her own library card. This was huge for our girl. She loves to read and she loved getting her own card.
Praise as much as possible. No one likes to be disciplined all the time. Who doesn't like to hear positive things they have done. I try to make an effort to praise her for things she does well all throughout the day. She always smiles real big and seems proud of herself when I say something positive.
Let them call friends or write to share their excitement. We purchased cute little note cards and put them in a desk in her room. We also gave her an address book and stamps so she can write to her friends. But, mostly she has enjoyed calling up her friends to share her adventures and new pets.
Most important, show her love through it all. Even through the bad times. Shower your new child with love and let them know how happy you are that they are part of your family. Deep down, they desperately want to connect!
My hubby and I went to our new daughter's home city last Thursday to have our meeting. The meeting went very well and we learned so much about our new girl. We were set up to take her out on her first visit with just the two of us the next day and then take her home with us the following day for a first home visit. Once we all started discussing visits and trips, everyone attending felt that it would be better if we just kept her. So, they quickly planned a farewell party Saturday and we packed her up and took her home - for good. We told her she will never see that place again - unless she wants to visit friends. Her worker comes out next week to make it official! We still can't believe it went so well. Everything we had hoped for happened. She gets to stay with us permanently, go on a big trip with us, and even be homeschooled during the 6 month trial period. God is so good!
We had several questions for the people who have worked with her. What are her triggers, what makes her escalate, etc. They shared with us a few things, but the most valuable thing we were taught was how they asked her these questions. They asked her what makes her angry? And what can she do to keep herself from getting out of control in her new home. She told them that she could go pet the animals, because animals calm her down. (Obviously, she thought we were getting chosen) I would have never thought of that. We can all get carried away asking others how to help these children when all we need to do is just ask the children. Later, when we were in the car with her, we came up with additional things she can do to calm down and signals for me to let me know she is getting upset. We came up with: using words, taking a breather outside, jumping in the pool, going for a walk, punching a real punching bag, etc.
Friday was the day she was officially told that we were chosen. Shortly after we showed up to take her out for the day. She was beaming and telling everyone we are her new mommy and daddy. Even though she was extremely excited, we could tell she was nervous as well. She quickly started asking us for all sorts of things. She asked if we would paint her room bright pink, take out the carpet and give her hard wood floors, and she even asked for a new pet. We realized we were going to have to let her know what she would be able to have and what she would definitely not get. We were definitely going to have to start setting boundaries.
Shortly after, we took her out to eat. We learned so much about her during that time: What she likes to eat, manners, patience, etc. Next we took her to a nature center to see animals, which she loves. Then we took her kayaking. She was very excited about this, but also nervous the boat might tip over. We kept it afloat and she had a fun time. Swimming in the lake followed before we took her back to the home for the evening. The day was a perfect day filled with lots of quality time getting to know one another. It was hard having to take her back, but we also knew she needed this closure before moving on to her new life.
Next week is our big presentation meeting with our little girl's workers and people who help take care of her. 24 hours later my hubby and I will be having our first official visit with her and then we will be bringing her home with us the following day!! We're not sure yet how long the visit will be, but we know she is coming home with us next week. It's all becoming very real!
There are so many thoughts and questions we have as we plan this next week's visit. We wish we could call and ask her, but she still can not know until 24 hours after the meeting. What would she like to do on her first visit with us? How long should the first visit be? Will she be staying the night with us at the hotel? Would she be comfortable with that? How will she feel not having Shrimp and Posie with us? Will she be scared driving home with us and entering our home for the first time? Even though she is so outgoing and she wants our family to adopt her, we imagine this is still going to be a very scary thing for her.
The wonderful part is that she does want our family and expects us to be chosen, so it will not be too much of a surprise. She is also eager to leave her current home, because it is not a family home life. She has lived in her current group home for 3 years now. She has not had the normal foster home experience since she was much younger. Even though we have heard the home is one of the nicer ones and I'm sure she has caring workers, she is still not used to having parents or a family atmosphere. I believe this will make the transition much easier than most adoptions because she already knows us and wants us, and she wants to get away from the home. However, it may be a difficult adjustment because she is coming from a much different home life.
We continue to pray that God will give her peace and love as she transitions into her new life. I know He will continue to give us all the love she will need from us and that He will slowly open her heart to our love. It will be an amazing journey!
I am overfilled with joy! Thank you Lord!! We just received the much anticipated phone call we have been waiting for. The little girl's caseworker called to tell us we were selected for the 12 year old girl we asked for. We were one of the two top chosen families that they were deciding on this morning. After the meeting today, she said we are the selected family for her! The next step is a meeting scheduled mid June with the caseworkers and all the people who have worked with this little girl, including her therapist, people who work in her home, teachers, and CASA so we can ask questions to find out what we need to know to truly help her.
Her worker told us that this little girl does not know we were selected and she can not legally know until 24 hours after the June meeting. She said the little girl will be thrilled, because she has been telling everyone about our family since we met one month ago. Her worker said she even went to court with her last week and this little girl told the judge all about us and how she wants our family to adopt her.
Her worker asked us to create a small photo album for her to show this little girl. Even though she has already met us, she would like us to include pictures of our family, home, places we like to go, and things we like to do. That will be fun to create for her, but I can't wait to see her home, school, friends, and places she likes to go.
We are informally going to schedule dates to meet with her and then possibly even plan a move in date for the beginning of July. Very exciting news!
Well, it has been just about 3 weeks since we first met the sweet 12 year old girl at the adoption match party. We have spent hours reading through her files, talking to her case worker and our case worker, and even her therapist. It has been an emotional journey learning about her past and truly deciding if this is the one for us. After much discussion and prayer, we do believe in our hearts that she is the one and God will be with us every step of the way.
We found out today that we are one of the top chosen families, like we had expected. Next week, our worker will go meet with this little girl's worker, CASA, and other workers to make the final decision on who is the right family for this child. If and when we are chosen, we will start having phone calls and visits with her soon after. We have also been told that a team of people who know her well will meet with us and share all they can with us to help this little girl.
Meanwhile, I continue to pray, study, and ask God to bring others into our lives who can be a support system for us and for her - I specifically prayed for a family who has adopted older children and have their own biological children. So what do you think happens today? I run into an old neighbor from 6 years ago who I have been dying to see since we moved back. They are one of the first homeschooling families I met and greatly admired. They have several sweet children and I found out today they have been busy themselves adopting possibly 2, ages 10 and 12. They have had the children in their homes since December, so she has all sorts of advice for us. Thank you Lord! I am constantly amazed and so thankful for our loving God and all He does for us! He continues to supply what we need when we need it!
I am writing this to help those of you out there going through the adoption process. Whether it is through the state or private adoption agency, you will have these same opportunities. Even though this was a very emotional experience, we would definitely advise other adoptive parents to attend a match party. As you will see with our story, we were able to interact with any child we wanted to and speak personally with that child's caseworker. Most of us would not have the opportunity to speak with a child and the caseworker unless we were the chosen family after the selection process. So, first pray, go to a match party, play with the kiddos, and then pray some more. If the child or children are there, God will show you!
I am also writing this for the little girl we believe is meant to bless our family. This is just the beginning of her adoption story.
This weekend we went to our first adoption match party 4 hours away. Our family was excited, yet very uncomfortable with the idea of this. Shrimp was especially uncomfortable feeling that the children would be on showcase for us. I was praying the whole time that God would show us the one He wanted us to have. I asked him to have one stand out to us and for us to know he/she was the one. Well, I feel it happened just as I had prayed for it to happen. God showed us the one and it happened to be one we were interested in months ago, but we thought she had been adopted.
We realized that if this one is truly going to be ours there was a reason it took our process so long. If we would have been certified sooner, this little girl would not have been available to us. She just became available again a couple weeks ago.
Here's how the day proceeded. We arrived and there were children of all ages everywhere. There were many children I was interested in, but not my husband. There were games, a bouncy house, basketball, and crafts going on around us. As we sat looking out at the children on the bouncy house, I prayed for Him to show us if the one was there. All the children were precious and beautiful and full of life that day. You look around and just want to take them all home. I knew I could not just go up to any of the children because I might give them false hope. So, I was praying and watching the children. I looked over at the line of people arriving and saw this little girl waiting in line to check in. I grabbed my husband's attention. I even interrupted him to show him this girl. As we were staring at her, my daughter and I realized she looked very familiar. She was a very small and petite little thing. We quickly learned it was the 12 year old girl we knew from the website months ago and wondered why she was there. We thought she had been adopted.
My hubby and I spoke briefly and we quickly felt that I should go talk to them. I went up to her and her caseworker and we started talking. I asked the girl if she knew she was famous. That I had seen her on a news show months ago. I told her she was an impressive gymnast and the next thing I know, she started doing flips for me excited to show off her skills. I was immediately struck by her bubbly personality. She was also very polite as she looked me in the eyes and answered every question. She went off to play in the bouncy house and Posie instantly followed. This gave me a chance to talk with her caseworker. The caseworker was a wealth of knowledge explaining everything to me and answering my questions. I found myself tearing up over what she was telling me. It was very hard to hear what all this little girl had been through. At that moment, I started to wonder if this was the one for us.
Very quickly we were approached by a woman who needed to take this little girl's picture for the adoption website again. As I walked away, my hubby and I noticed another couple following. I looked at my hubby and we felt we should go as well. It was very strange, almost as if we were fighting for this little girl's attention. Not what I had envisioned.
She was so sweet and answered the other couple's questions, but kept turning to us to talk. She pretty much went with us after that. She had others approach her, but it was only briefly. She ate with us and spent time with the kids on the bouncy house. I had a million questions for her. I wanted to know everything about her.
She had several children come up to say hello to her and we found out it's because they lived with each other at one point. We found out this sweet girl has been living in a group home for a year. We loved watching the sweet way she interacted with these friends. This was definitely an advantage. At one point, I thought she would leave us to go play with her friends, but she quickly turned to us and motioned saying, "The line is over here."
While we were sitting eating lunch, she was very sweet with my hubby asking politely to wear his sunglasses. After, she gave them back nicely even though the other kids were asking to wear them as well. The way she interacted with him was precious and it surprised me. While we were eating, she asked us if we want to adopt her and I had to explain that it wasn't what we wanted that was important, it was finding the perfect family for her. She immediately told us she wanted us to adopt her. She said, "Please adopt me. I have my grandparent's phone number and I can call them." Then she turned to her caseworker and whispered that she wanted us to adopt her. It was all very sweet.
We found out that homeschooling would be in her best interest. She loves animals, just like our kids do. She went crazy when she found out we volunteer at the Humane Society. She absolutely loves huskies. She is completely a tom boy. She loves roller blading, biking, kickball, swimming, gymnastics, and animals. She even said her favorite tv show was Animal Planet. I noticed she has a creative side because her shoes were decorated. She said she used nail polish to decorate them. What a cute idea! We were not finding anything that we disliked about her.
At the end of the day, she gave us a hug and left. I didn't want to let her go. I spoke with my hubby to see how he felt and instantly went to fill out an interest card on her. Her caseworker had given me the only business card she had and asked us to call her and have our caseworker submit our home study.
We all left feeling mixed emotions: excitement yet sadness for all the children there who did not have a family approach them. Our whole family liked this girl and wanted to adopt her. We felt she would fit perfectly into our family and we just wanted to take her with us that afternoon to go camping. Of course, it did not happen. We spent the entire weekend talking about her and thinking of all the things we wanted to do with her and show her. We just wanted to take her home, protect her and love her.
Now, we thought this meant that we might get to see her again sooner and the process would move along more quickly, but we found out today that we were wrong. We do get to receive info on her next week to decide if we want to proceed. Next, we will still have to go through the selecion process. Other case workers will gather together with ours to make the decision. We do have an advantage given that we met her and had a connection with her. But, it may take a couple weeks for us to find out anything and start having visits. Again, I have to remind myself it's all in God's timing. I am so full of excitement and joy thinking she is the one. But, I am also praying for this little girl to find the right home for her, because ultimately that is what matters. And I keep thanking our loving, faithful God for blessing us with this opportunity!
